This was less a football match than a training exercise played in front of 6,000 Croatian schoolchildren who drew the short straw on their field trip. England scored seven against a Croatia side that looked like it had already mentally retired from international football, and the most interesting thing about the contest was the empty stadium — a punishment for Croatian fan trouble against France in 2025. Harry Kane opened on eight minutes and added a second in the 53rd, pushing his England record to 89 goals. The numbers are becoming absurd enough to be their own story: six successive away goals, a record tally that no successor is within shouting distance of. But Kane was arguably third-best on the pitch. Jude Bellingham ran the game with a goal and three assists, the kind of stat line that makes you wonder what Real Madrid's midfield looks like when he's fully engaged. And Bukayo Saka's brace either side of half-time was clinical to the point of cruelty. Anthony Gordon continued his hot streak — four goals in four England appearances now — with an acrobatic diving header from Jarell Quansah's cross. Quansah's selection over Trent Alexander-Arnold at right-back had drawn criticism before kickoff; the assist shut that conversation down for at least one news cycle. Alex Scott, making his first England start, played the key pass for the opener with a composure that suggested the Bournemouth midfielder belongs at this level. Morgan Rogers rounded things off in the 87th minute, walking the ball past Livakovic after another Bellingham through-ball. By that point Croatia had the look of a team that had stopped defending sometime around the 35th minute and never bothered to start again. Luka Modric, still nominally their talisman, was bamboozled by a Bellingham drag-back that will make every compilation reel. The context matters as much as the scoreline. This was a Nations League group match, not a World Cup knockout. Croatia are ageing and depleted. The stadium was functionally empty. Tuchel had warned about "holiday mode" after the squad went swimming in the Adriatic, but the mood was more like a pool party that someone forgot to cancel. England's talent gap over second-tier European sides is now so wide that results like this tell you very little about how they'll perform when it matters. What it does tell you: Tuchel's system is bedding in. Two wins from three group matches, a quarterfinal spot within reach with Czech Republic at Wembley on Tuesday. The 4-2 win over this same Croatia in the World Cup group stage in June was competitive; this was not. The squad depth — Scott, Quansah, Rogers all contributing off limited minutes — suggests Tuchel has more options than his predecessors and is willing to use them. But let's not kid ourselves about the quality of the opposition. This was a seven-goal demolition of a side that offered nothing. The real test comes in knockout rounds against teams that actually press back. For now, file it under "dominant but inconclusive" and enjoy the highlights.
