The protein obsession in consumer food and drink isn't coming from sports science — it's coming from the meteoric rise of GLP-1 weight-loss drugs like Ozempic and Wegovy. Brands saw a cultural moment and reformulated fast, slapping 'protein' on products that were never designed around athletic need. The result is a shelf full of drinks marketed at everyone, implying that the person who doesn't reach for a protein soda is somehow falling short. The actual science is mundane: most adults need 0.75g of protein per kilogram of body weight daily, achievable through a normal wholefood diet. Athletes doing extreme training supplement beyond that with powders. The gap between 'people who need protein drinks' and 'people being sold protein drinks' is essentially the entire adult population. What does that marketing gap produce in the glass? Sweetness. These drinks are almost universally sugar-free on paper — stevia, sucralose, agave, and blended fruit do the heavy lifting instead — which creates an intensely sweet flavour profile that reads as indulgent while technically honoring the 'no added sugar' badge. The reviewer's phrase 'feeding people's sweet tooth under the guise of doing good' is the sharpest line in the piece, and it's accurate. The protein sources themselves are worth scrutiny. Hydrolysed pea protein (found in Naked and Feisty) has been pre-digested to remove the chalky texture of traditional protein shakes. Vieve uses collagen peptides; Perfect Ted uses milk powder. These are not equivalent in terms of bioavailability or nutritional profile, and none of the products make this comparison easy for the consumer. The processing required to get protein into a pleasant-drinking liquid state makes these among the most heavily formulated items in a supermarket fridge. Of the four tested: Naked Machine Protein is the most coherent product — a thick blended smoothie with real fruit doing genuine work, though one serving is a third of a 750ml bottle, which is a portion-size sleight of hand at £4.50. Vieve Watermelon is the most drinkable but tastes little like watermelon. Perfect Ted's white chocolate matcha latte packs 18g protein alongside 12.75g sugar in 250ml — the least defensible entry in the category. Feisty, the premium soda play, leans on concentrate and stevia for a syrupy finish that undercuts any pretense of sophistication. AB InBev's move into the space is the tell. The world's largest brewer piloting a protein beer — 10g per can, 75% hydrolysed whey, 25% hydrolysed collagen — in Brazil is not a health initiative. It's a volume-maintenance strategy for a beer category under pressure from declining alcohol consumption. Protein is the new 'craft': a differentiator that justifies premium pricing and captures wellness-anxious consumers who might otherwise defect entirely. The honest verdict: none of these drinks are bad for you in any meaningful sense, but none of them are necessary for anyone who eats normally. The columnist's return to nuts, pulses, eggs — and 10am wine tastings — is the right call.
